-Queens of the Stone Age, "I'm Designer."
Ok, I'm kind of tired of postmodernism and the ironic self-reflexivity thing. Why do we have to be so aware of our performance that we have to put a distance between ourselves and how we act? "Look at me, aren't I clever? Ah, but this is is art. I'm consciously performing for your gaze." Like, how you act is how you are and you aren't supposed to think about that shit. It's just supposed to happen. This is the thing that annoys me the most about studying communication: having to verbalize shit people aren't supposed to really think about and everyone intuitively knows. WTF? I look at some articles and wonder why the fuck anyone ever wonders about that. Some things just are what they are. Shit. (Again, I say it, here to a more public audience: I think some communication research is only interesting if you're socially retarded. Intellectually gifted: yes. Socially retarded: yes. [cough quantitative.] Ahem, sorry, my fingers slipped.)*
It's like we have to constantly call attention to our consciousness for fear that it won't be recognized. News: You're right to be afraid that it isn't real. It's a delusion. You are just a product and by no means original. Different, yes. Unique, yes. Just like everyone else. Deal with it.
Of course I blame capitalism for commodifying everything to the extent that we have to sell ourselves in order to be accepted. In a world where they've codified popular culture so that we're awash in mass-produced product bullshit (annoyance: digitized voices in pop music and hip hop. Kanye is played out for me. Sorry. Get over yourself. ;P) it seems like the only way for people to be creative is to, like, totally throw away expectations and consciously "subvert norms" or whatever. To the point that it's predictable. Lame.
Why can't we all just keep it real? Like Dave Chappelle. Minus the paranoia. Wait. No. Paranoia is what makes us individuals. Individuality is another lie they tell you to sell you your self.
"I listen to music no one's ever heard of because I'm so fucking indie. I watch foreign and art house movies because I'm beyond hollywood. I read books normal people don't read because I just can't do the bestseller list, it's so jejune. I use French words and smoke cigarettes. Coldplay is Radiohead for people who don't 'get' Radiohead. I drink Pinot Noir."*
Of course here I'm talking about me. Ironically self-reflexive (and to my chagrin, appropriately narcissistic-neurotic), I know I'm pretentious as all hell and buy into this way of being so much it annoys me about myself. Because I know that behind it is this kind of "hey, aren't I cool and clever? Don't you love me?" insecurity thing. A desperate attempt to be unique by moving beyond the cultural capital of the mainstream. For reals though: I get bored really easily so in order to perform my identity I have to always be looking for the "new" shit, even if it's just stuff that's new to me because they don't play it on the radio par exemple. It isn't even really a performance, or it is: sans intentionality, sometimes. I don't really give a shit about what others think about me, until I'm reminded that I'm supposed to, because apparently everyone else does. It pisses me off. Overstimulated spoiled children chasing the dragon.
So I don't know if this really applies to anything outside my perception of myself, and I know I'm too hard on myself and think about things too much, but I'm just tired of having to be scared of how I'll be interpreted. I'm tired of having to envoke a persona (constantly joking!) to distance myself from others. I'm over it. I'm over me.
Not really. Now that I got it out of my head I'm ok. I'm a high school dropout, a southern dude who regularly drops his "g"s and I don't give a shit whether you think I'm smart, creative or funny. Oh but I do. Love me because I can't love myself!
Enjoy your fucking symptom. Everyone thinks they're fucked up and is afraid someone might find out they're not normal, it seems like. When did we all turn into teenagers? Chill the fuck out and embrace your imperfection.
Ok, what this is really about is that I'm annoyed with the formatting in House of Leaves. I get it, it's supposed to be a struggle to read so it's like a labyrinth or something. I'm not gonna stand in front of a mirror to read pages of a book. Fuck that noise.
"It's truely a lie. I counterfeit myself."
-"I'm Designer"
mm
*Of course, the same could be said about my research agenda. Which is basically thus: "crazy is communicable. People say crazy shit to each other and they believe it. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. I say crazy shit too, because I'm a person in the 21st century and we've got a lot of shit to think about, but I think it there's some value in knowing you're crazy so you don't take shit too seriously. That's my critical praxis. Allow me to demonstrate. Now think about yourself and what you say. And laugh. And quit being a hater."
**To be honest, I listen to music no one's ever heard of because I get bored. I watch art movies and foreign films because I like to see how far people can take film, and yeah, I can't abide formulaic stuff. At the same time, I loved the new Indiana Jones. I read the books I read because the last time I tried to read popular fiction it just felt so bad to me I couldn't abide. You can't go back. I think it was a Michael Crichton book. And I like Coldplay, although a lot of their songs sound the same to me. I'm addicted to mind-expansion. Also, Pinot Noir is good.
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