Reminder

Packing makes me feel very alone. It means I'm leaving a group of people to go join another group of people I'll eventually leave, probably alone again. No one to share the journey with.
I started crying.

Eventually though I realized how selfish my attitude that "no one can ever love me" is, because it really means that I won't accept the love I'm given. It's like I'm telling the people who love me that their love isn't good enough. I'm blinded by my own inability to fill the god-shaped hole in my heart.

The other day I had a conversation with someone I love very much about why writing is important to me and at the time I said it was because I didn't know if I'd ever have kids and wanted to leave something behind. The quest for immortality for someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife. On hindsight I see how selfish that is and remember my real reason, the original reason writing becomes my life:

I want people to read what I write and feel like they aren't alone.

mm

Paradigm

In our introductory grad classes in our Master's program we had discussions that were designed to help us find a paradigm. Sometimes it turned into quantitative vs qualitative or post-positivist vs critical or whatever.
It was basically justify why you think the way you do. Some people need to do that by dismissing other ways of thinking. Whatever. I think that's just insecure. And I'm one of those people. Because as some brilliant communication scholar said, "How do I know what I think until I say it?" I usually think about the things I say before I say them, unless they're jokes then they just kind of come out and I feel bad afterwards. But my point is that when I say things I use a lot of short cuts and allusions because I already know what I mean. This is a problem because sometimes it doesn't make any sense. Like now. Or it comes across as pretentious or arrogant. Both probably true as well, but I contend that everyone thinks everything they think is right or they'd change their minds, unless they're idiots. I know I keep learning shit so I expect that's probably true for other people.
So I'm expecting that some of this might come up in my Ph.D. program, although it is a different school. It is a game that makes you think about why you think the way you do though, and I think that's why some people don't like playing.
I believe that communication takes place at several levels of consciousness. That the input from our senses we get from other people is processed in different areas of the brain. A lot of that input is symbolic. Because it is a way of representing thoughts, feelings, etc. to others who have no direct experience of them. This allows our consciousness to seperate itself from our physical bodies and become part of another's. Because of the Burke thing, how we can never be another person. Ok that got me off on another thought tangent and now I'm tired so I'm going to bed.

More later?

mm m.a.